breakdown

additional_3a1c3c69a612436a164459984279c47d024084d4-7
the entry to the path of sorrow
begins with a moon-shaped tear,
a fissure made the exact measures
of guilt and trepidation —

the leaves are brown, shades
of evil intermixed with erased
shadows of hubris, the roots
extend to the edge of mindful
games, that we play and lose
against ourselves,

lifelike patchwork is the center-
fold to this closet-like space,
where any form of easement
into the wing and skin of things,
takes a toll on what keeps a breath
functional, carrying on the treble,

silver-busy emulations of the past
take the form of ghosts that come
out only in day-light, and work their
ethereal way through the doors
and dreams, the greed-eyed arrows
fixing, breaking disciplined griefs,

i have elsewhere to go, nowhere
to belong, enough of the calendars
and clocks have been spent, rendered
useless in the loss of feelings,

i gather exits to stop all my blind deeds
from recurring, and shut the banners in,
becoming the equipment of toil, to find
some need of listlessness, the coal-fire-
red glow spreading in criss-cross patterns,

as the ongoing landslide
is felt (the ground i tread upon in
beleaguerment slipping away)
before its coming.

.
© Anmol Arora

Image source (The Beauty Is In The Breakdown Painting by Kevin Cross)
For MLM Menagerie’s Bonus Wordle

Also Linking it up with the Tuesday Platform at With Real Toads

***

I have been working on a new Insta handle for about 2 months now, for literary and creative posts: @anmol.ha.
For contact, you can reach out to me through my multiple profiles, enlisted here.

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “breakdown

  1. This is so delicate — like a tear balanced so falling down a cheek — with the immensity of grief and heartscape like an abyss the tear falls toward. Such pathos in that tear — such empathies in this poem!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Pat: willow88switches says:

    I love the breath-stopping two first lines – wow – they are a poem in itself – or a “quote like thingy” – (sorry, struggling for correct wordage – ) … just so elegant for the sheer simplicity, which is exquisite for the weight in truth! Stunning.

    And I really am pulled in by the 3rd and 5th stanzas – they just anchor me to the intensity of the emotions and evocations here – I particularly love the 3rd – and these lines, nestled between the others: where any form of easement
    into the wing and skin of things, …. what a fascinating story. Brilliant for the sinuousness and almost painful sensitivity (it almost feels like a sheer madness in this self-deception, self-dissection)

    i have elsewhere to go, nowhere
    to belong, enough of the calendars
    and clocks have been spent,

    this is – oh, – it’s just so blasé – almost careless, and yet it’s (to me) both casual and hard, yet a plea as well …

    fascinating wording and exploration here HA – it really is rather “meaty” – but sensitively explored.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, I think it is pretty “meaty” and can be trimmed for a better poem — it’s rather raw in how I barely edited it and let the thoughts go wild and free in this expression. It is not as much a breakdown as it is the impending doom of one, something that is always on the horizon and that keeps it rather interesting, even if it’s debilitating and constraining to a great extent.
      I am glad that you picked on that line from the third stanza and also the fifth stanza which is kind of a pivot here — it’s very basic in how it denotes the repetitive nature of it and how one becomes habitual to it but its careless rendering doesn’t make it easy to endure and so, it is, yes, a plea to be let out of this spiral.

      Thank you for your kind words, Pat! ❤ 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Pat: willow88switches says:

        oh, well, I hope you didn’t think I was being critical about the poem; sure, I think maybe, you might want (if it feels worth it to you) edit a bit, but then, as a whole, I rather like it too; I meant “meaty” as in “weighty” for the concepts … the ideas, the ever-reoccurring themes …. which always have different aspects and facets to explore; and to restate – I didn’t want to suggest anything other than this. Sometimes raw writing does yield some absolute gems – and for me, personally, the heart of this poem is within the areas I signaled, but that’s just my interpretation, and doesn’t mean anything more or less.

        Clearly, your muse and thoughts turn to your themes and as I’ve mentioned, they can be explored in all kinds of ways. It’s naturally (and I’m laughing in a delighted way) a very broad topic – human nature and perception, behaviour and depression, despair etc. (not that it’s amusing to live it though) …

        Liked by 1 person

        • Ah, I didn’t mean to insinuate that I felt that your comment suggested anything else but for your interpretation and understanding. I rather really appreciate how you share your thoughts and words. It’s wonderful to read your comments, especially because they provide a certain thoughtful perspective.
          I was sharing the bit about how I wrote it just casually, and with no other intention. Ha! 🙂

          It’s true that there are multiple ways of addressing these broad themes and ideas and the commonality of such life experiences, and it’s interesting how the voice works differently at different times. 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

          • Pat: willow88switches says:

            okay, no worries my friend; I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t sound like I was being critical or offering my unsolicited thoughts or critique etc.

            Some days, my brain gets stuck for tripping on/in comments just because you realize that someone might misinterpret something when it wasn’t meant at all in that way. 😲

            Liked by 1 person

            • I can understand.
              But please feel free to critique in any way — I welcome the thoughts, especially those which point out the problematic aspects of the verse. The blogging community is amazing in how it is also the first audience of our work, while also providing us with a sense of camaraderie in our creative endeavors. All feedback, negative or positive or anything in between, is well cherished. 🙂 ❤

              Liked by 1 person

              • Pat: willow88switches says:

                yes, very true … and always, whatever I read and share, is just one interpretation, and is never intended to be anything other than my perspective; the writer/poet who is well seasoned (and I believe you are) knows well enough to understand what may or may not already be working or weak; of course, sometimes, it does take fresh eyes to help read things along … but what matters, at the end of the day, is the sharing, and encouragement. 🙂 And yes, I too am always pleased with your comments and honesty, and value your input … 🙂 💜

                Like

  3. Isabeau D'anjou 1981 says:

    This is what grabs me, resonates, tears me… beautiful simplicity
    “i have elsewhere to go, nowhere
    to belong, enough of the calendars
    and clocks have been spent, rendered
    useless in the loss of feelings,”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. hypercryptical says:

    Oh how the black dog (of depression) bares its awful teeth and greedily consumes us Anmol, enshrouds us in its all-pervading gloom as it wins again and again, torturing us with (its) glee, its smug self-satisfaction.
    How difficult, seemingly impossible, is it to rid ourselves of him as he stands guard over his prized possession, guarding every exit in our desperate attempts’ to escape his terrible hold.
    But then one wonderful day we find the daylight and we escape, if just for a short time, for we know he is still there, waiting in the shadows, waiting to win again…
    Please know I have only suffered (reactive) depression once in my lifetime – four-five years ago – and how it did consume me, made me doubt myself and took away all my strength. Once the source of my depression was ‘removed’ I found myself again.
    In an odd sort of way, I was ?grateful – this is the wrong word, but I don’t know the right word – for the experience as I now truly understood the people I cared for, could understand their despair, I could relate and this was helpful to them.
    Your words tear at my heart and soul dear Anmol and I do so wish I had a magic bullet to offer you, but I haven’t – and that makes me sad, feel useless. All I can offer is my love and the knowledge that I think of you.
    Loads and loads of hugs.
    Anna :o]

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Anna, your kind words mean a lot — I am grateful for your lovely thoughts.
      I am sorry that you suffered too. It makes me feel better that you overcame it in whatever way it can be overcome. It’s beautiful that you found yourself again.

      That is the most painful thing — when having dealt with this for years, you end up identifying yourself through this malady, in its context and subtexts, in its constraints and pressures. It’s a spiral that keeps on repeating and hurting all over again.
      There are certain things that help. Small glimmers of hope appear in positive words, in the feelings shared, in an empathetic connection with another person. And yes, the darkness of it is always in the shadows, but it’s such a relief, like a fog lifted off of your head, when it is light and peaceful for a while. Those few days or experiences are treasured.
      xoxo Anmol

      Like

  5. There is a sadness that we can overcome, if we choose too.
    Often the state of depression seems like a bottomless pit.

    Yet, we can rise, by our own hand or with help out of such gloom filled depths.
    Some days it pays to be an optimist.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As an intermittent sufferer, I embrace this poem, Anmol. I love the ambiguity and the way it ‘begins with a moon-shaped tear’ – a rip or a drop, could be either. – I think the tear in the heart is where tears come from anyway – and that it has ‘the exact measures / of guilt and trepidation. I also like the way the poem jumps from thought to thought – that’s the way it happens when you’re wrestling with the black dog of depression, and that the colour brown takes on shades of evil and hubris – it’s usually an overlooked colour. Lines that grabbed me were:
    ‘…this closet-like space,
    where any form of easement
    into the wing and skin of things,
    takes a toll on what keeps a breath
    functional…’
    and
    ‘silver-busy emulations of the past
    take the form of ghosts that come
    out only in day-light, and work their
    ethereal way through the doors
    and dreams’.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Kim, for your kind and understanding words.
      The onslaught of thoughts is something that just happens out of control and it cannot be helped. The thought of tears coming from the tear in the heart is beautiful. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Scary, HA. Before the stuff hit the fan, I liked the this part,
    “the leaves are brown, shades
    of evil intermixed with erased
    shadows of hubris, the roots
    extend to the edge of mindful
    games, that we play and lose
    against ourselves”<E?M>
    I’m wondering, in the third to last verse it starts, “
    “I have elsewhere to go”<E/M>, you may have meant “I have nowhere else to go” or the like.
    I also like your long, one-sentence poems. I take breaks for the first reading though.
    ..

    Like

Here is where you tell me something...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s