Life, right now

Okay, it’s been a long time coming. It’s strange how this place used to be a repository of all my horrid experiences in life and how it provided me refuge from the insurmountable grief of being alive and wading through the darkness of my mind, and how I stopped doing that entirely, focusing instead on something that came out to mean a lot to me. For a change, I am reverting to the original intent behind everything, perhaps behind every word I have ever written.

I know and I acknowledge that living is not easy. My college education made me aware of the social condition of so many people and communities all over the world. My experiences pale in comparison to those who struggle to even survive — death, illness, starvation, violence, war, et al. govern their lives and their actions every minute. I am so privileged to have a roof over my head, regular meals and clean drinking water to keep my body alive, healthcare provisions when I am sick and financial support for basic amenities and some leisure. How I live may deem to be luxurious by many and I am often ashamed of that. I try to be politically and socially conscious, raise my voice in whatever way I can against destitution and exploitation, and care about people around me. This is of course not enough.

I am not enough, even when I have all these privileges and luxuries. I am constantly fighting my own self, my own condition, my own mind, my life which seems to be adamant at breaking me down. Perhaps I am complicit in this internal violence. And it hurts at times. Otherwise, I have in a way blocked myself from feeling, from dealing with my own emotions or expressing them in a way which is direct and confrontational. So, I am doing this to try to undo my own resistance to the acceptance of my condition. Intrusive thoughts are a part and parcel of my everyday existence — panic attacks, suicidal thoughts and social anxiety are so inundated in me that I no longer heed my own pain.

Yes, I had to deal with some situations and circumstances which have left a deep impact on me, made me snivel and cry in the corner of my bedroom, holding my own self to get through the hour and the day. ‘One day at a time’: I had come to believe that as a dictum to help me through every day. What a limited condition to keep alive!

I finally had some control because I was busy for three years with my education. There were times when I would find myself in a dark chasm, but I could find my way out, find a light at the periphery of my vision and get on with it. Since completing that, it’s been three months and it seems I am back to where I was. Life has come a complete circle and I am still reeling from the things I had come to ignore and bury within my psyche.

I am not doing good. I don’t know what lies ahead, but I find myself not caring about it. Incidentally, a friend brought it to my attention after a pitiful thing happened to me today. She said that I am displaced from some solace the routine had provided me and that I am giving up now and that is making it worse. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I may be giving up on everything, and not just my career or romance or other sensory experiences.

And yet, I am not able to do anything about it. I don’t know how to take care of myself anymore. At least I am waking up every day, trying to read and write, having one or two meals, drinking plenty of water…

I am putting it all out there just for the small comfort that I am sharing it. How I always have this need to be understood! This is the only thing that keeps me going, for now, to be able to express and reflect upon my own breaking.

That is all.

10 thoughts on “Life, right now

  1. I don’t know that there’s anything I can tell you that will help. Except know that there’s someone out there who cares about you, even though I don’t stop by often. I do.
    Take care of yourself, my friend. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pat: willow88switches says:

    Anmol – I really hope that you do understand and know, deep within you, that there are choices, absolute choices, and each and every day, no matter how difficult, how dark, how much of a struggle it is, or feels ~ there are moments still to be treasured and there are certainly, for sure – people who do care and love you; no matter just how “closed off you’ve been” – no matter how you have managed to wall yourself in by routine, which now, done with, means you are “open” again to your own shadows, fears, pain etc. – doesn’t mean that you can not find a way to find light and love – for yourself, in some new way. Patterns repeat and cycle within our lives. Our shadows are our second skin, and the things we avoid will wait until we are ready to start to face them, but remember, you are never alone. Reach out, in your community, to the people you trust, the people who do not judge you, and ask for help, support – even if it’s just a shoulder to lean on. And by all means, seek out the help you can get, in counseling, and whatever services available to you that can help you find yourself, and help you feel more “in balance” with yourself. No one has to walk alone. Ever. Even when it feels so completely and utterly like this.

    I really hope that these words don’t sound trite, or shallow – because they aren’t. I can relate. And for sure, there are far more than we know; often we feel so isolated and afraid – it certainly feels like we are our own company – especially in a world so overwhelming “connected” in all these bursts – but know that you are not as isolated and distanced as you feel. Please, take a chance – and reach out – reach out and ask for whatever it is you need …. there will be those who can help you.

    Peace Anmol.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Pat, it is so very kind of you to share your thoughts with me.
      I understand that we can make our own choices; I have made one too many choices, albeit some major ones, this past year and they have brought me to this. But I still don’t regret them because I thought at the time that they were the right choices for me. It’s about getting on with whatever mess there is, for now. As for the help, I am not sure I am ready for that. I had a pretty horrible experience the last time I sought help. So, I am naturally wary of it.

      Once again, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I would take the opportunity to reflect on them for some more time. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Pat: willow88switches says:

        Anmol ~ only you best know how to work through what it is you must, and I just hope that you don’t give up; trust your instincts and inner knowing and guidance, listen to the “truth of your heart” (the spark that still burns even when the darkness is seemingly too much) …. you’re a wonderful, sensitive person. And as you’ve noted, sometimes, the choices we make, at the time, seem to be the right ones ~ and as time plays it, perhaps not so much; but that’s okay. Life isn’t about “absolutes” – or some crazy weird “societal labels” like “good” or “wrong” or whatever … and ultimately, all you can be, is just who you are – as you are; responsible and answerable to you, first and foremost, at the end of the day. Be gentle and kind with yourself – and know, that things can and will work themselves out; they always do, even when we’re in the eye of the worst sh*t storms.

        Peace and courage my friend, peace and courage.

        Like

  3. Alexander De says:

    “I try to be politically and socially conscious, raise my voice in whatever way I can against destitution and exploitation, and care about people around me. ”
    So right, you are! We are community and your sharing of all this is the essential part. Keep sharing & keep hanging on to the community that is here. We need one another. ~Z

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Anmol, I don’t know you personally, but I do know the cycles of breaking and waking. It’s good that you speak ‘out loud’ to your community about your feelings. You have some wise and supportive friends here. If you become clear about what you don’t want to feel, the next step is becoming clear about what you do want to feel. Say it and change it. You’re that powerful. Be well.

    Like

  5. I arrived here by accident but I am glad I did. I wish I had all the answers for you. Life is a perennial struggle interspersed with lovely bits and the truth is it does not become easier.Congratulate yourself on all the little successes…eating meals getting out of bed. You are young gifted beautiful young man and and you have nice curtains and a new rug.Nothing is trivial. Everything is important.Give thanks for your good fortune Appreciate every hour of your day and find beauty in the small things.Store up wonderful feelings words poems music and thoughts in your mental treasure chest to sustain you in the bad times. Be a concerned loving and firm parent to yourself.Give joy to others…that is your raison d’etre… through your gift and never ever succumb to American spelling.:)
    If this geriatric poet is still breathing surviving the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune then you can too Big hugs to you dear person. Battle on and as we say down under
    ‘ get back up on deck…don’t let the bastards beat you’.

    Like

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